Distracted? Attach Things to Your Head

Some laws seem incredibly stupid at first and only prove themselves after going into effect.. So, when New York's "no handheld phone use in car" law went into effect a few months ago, I was initially wary. It seemed to be another waste of effort Band-Aid law which addresses one symptom instead of treating the disease. However, after using a headset for a few months now, I'm convinced. Strapping things on your head is the only way to drive safely.

I'm an inventor, so, I've since invented several new headsets which allow people to do more things while driving than ever before. First, is the Whopper Champ. This allows busy, but safety conscious drivers to eat on the go, without looking at their food. It has a platform which holds a large fast food sandwich, fries, and has a three foot straw for a soft drink. The sandwich is fed to the driver at intervals, giving time to enjoy each bite interspersed with French fries which get vacuumed from their packs and launched into the mouth along with aerosolized ketchup. Just clamp the Champ to your head and chow down in perfect undistracted safety.

I've also developed the Coffee and Doughnut Focuser, so called because it let's a driver keep driving while it focuses on morning coffee and doughnuts. I had a few bugs in this one, at first. It turns out that coffee sucked through a straw is hotter than coffee sipped from a cup. I can't explain this, but its true. Tests also indicate that people prefer not to have coffee and doughnuts pre-mixed. This made one clever single-straw design unacceptable. The current design features a spring-loaded doughnut hopper, which ratchets doughnuts one at a time into the driver's consumption chamber...err...mouth. The driver sets the pace and, yes, it also works with bagels. Warm (not hot) coffee is sucked from a sponge leading to a coffee cup.

Another new headset I call the Babysitter. There's nothing more distracting than a child, particularly an infant, sitting in a car seat in the back. Kids say all kinds of distracting things from back there; like "I want more Juice, Dada!", "I wanta Get out!", "I need a new dinosaur, now!", "I took my diaper off", and "Who's this stranger back here?" The Babysitter solves all that by constantly stimulating a cranky child with a selection of favorite toys, snacks, beverages, and soothing songs, all while perched on the driver's head. If the troublesome child becomes too unruly, the Babysitter can calm him or her with a patented Ritalin-derived vapor called Happy Gas.

For myself, I know that pretty soon I'll have so many headsets, that I won't be distracted at all. I am already so keyed-in to my driving that I hardly pay any attention to my conversations anymore. In fact, half the time I don't even know who called. I just venture a tentative but highly undistracted "umm, what?"

I may have become too undistracted, in fact. I keep thinking about a headset that let's me take up smoking. And because I have developed so many headsets, I now seem to need a Headset Manager, which I think should also be a headset, called the Headset Headset, or maybe the Head Honcho.

I really want to thank New York State for making this article possible. After all, without this law I might have blown all my driving attention on holding my phone and wouldn't have been able to write this piece safely, using Head Pen and Head Paper, on my way to work.