Monday, December 31, 2007

2008 New Year's Resolutions

It helps to have goals. The best time to define those goals is New Year's Eve because that's when you can really focus. Here are some of the things I'd like to achieve over the coming year. This year, I resolve to...

  • Let nature take its course and cover me in moss.
  • Develop my psychic powers so I can mentally slap everyone silly.
  • Go after the deep pockets.
  • Learn from the best...keanu reeves and patrick swayze.
  • Take a full swing and spank that ball out of the sand.
  • Walk around with my eyes closed, navigating solely by scent.
  • Talk dirty to the dog...more often.
  • Stare danger dead in the face and laugh...as I go insane with fear.
  • Coin a new word which means "coin a new word"
  • Watch a terrible movie and recommend it, saying "I really liked it"
  • Carry a big jar of leeches everywhere, offering to heal people.
  • Exclaim "whoa, what a rush!" every time I perform some mundane task such as brushing my teeth or taking a shower.
  • Tell stories from the bible...that I just make up in my head.
  • Hide my sorrowful tears by saying "owww, I pulled out a nose hair"
  • Hug everyone for an uncomfortably long time.
  • Make peace, or, failing that, make peas.
  • Use terms like dylanesque and orwellian to impress girls.
  • Pretend to be someone's long lost relative so I can scam free food.
  • Pretend I don't get it.
  • Use my ninja training to sneak around my house, totally unobserved.
  • Give the kids 2 choices - fish or cut bait.
  • Kill for food, just like my dad.
  • Address women using names like sweetie and honey.
  • Say "Jesus, what...did a cat crap in here?" every time I enter a car or building.
  • Help a student by saying "I'll highlight what you need to know", returning textbook 100% highlighted.
  • Say "thatsa how we saya hello-a in italiano" as I kiss men on the lips instead of shaking hands.
  • Size up the situation as hopeless and go back to bed.
  • Blame canada.
  • Practice coin toss till I win every time.
  • Use the latin name for every plant, animal or material I refer to.
  • End every sentence with a preposition to.
  • Substitute breathing for sex and have sex 24-7 until the end of my life.
  • Get a tattoo that makes my eyes look huge.
  • Get a nose job, adding one nostril.
  • Levitate by channeling the psychic power of cats.
  • Tame the wild wild west.
  • Develop a lisp and snort when I laugh to make people feel better about themselves.
  • Doctor my records so prospective employers won't know I'm mentally ill.
  • Reduce world literacy rates by 20%.
  • Use sauerkraut to remove tough stains - kraut it out!.
  • Claim not to know...as if anyone will believe me.
  • Hum constantly, periodically asking "what's that annoying hum?"
  • Exclaim "are you shittin' me!?!" every time anyone tells me anything (e.g. it's saturday. are you shittin me!?!").
  • Replace my tail lights with headlights.
  • Pretend to use my cell phone in restaurants, shouting "can you speak up?! the connection sucks! it must be this crappy tin can of a restaurant I'm in!"
  • Sand bag all around the house explaining that "I'm prepping for a flood" to the neighbors.
  • Blow my nose publicly, then open up the tissue and say "ha! bagged another one!"
  • Bring order to chaos.
  • Finish all arguments with "oh yeah? why don't you eat shit and die?"
  • Plant palm trees outside because I'm convinced they bring tropical weather.
  • Politely excuse myself every time there's work to be done.
  • Pull myself up by the bootstraps (note to self: must purchase bootstraps).
  • Destroy all monsters!
  • Impress the ladies by ordering sushi in japanese despite my not knowing japanese "domo ping wong shoogoya, toe kee oh gohr zirra kamikaze, please."
  • Eat doughnuts straight from the box without using my hands.
  • Tell everyone my dad is gay.
  • Carry a rubber band gun in a hip holster, another in a shoulder holster, another strapped to my leg.
  • Record and market my 'one of a kind' snore.
  • Win squirt gun wars by using cat spray.
  • Say "goodbye to my stinky friends" right before I flush.
  • Explain "f.u.n.e.x? s.v.f.x. f.u.n.e.m? s.v.f.m. o.k.m.n.x." to dopey kids.
  • Explain every injury as having been caused by a slippery banana peel.
  • Pay for birds in hands with 2 in the bush, each.
  • Obscure my rear view window with sappy, peaceful bumper stickers.
  • Spread the word of god using knives and stabbing weapons, if necessary.
  • Spend my days off just staying home catching up on some work.
  • Use my own poop to fertilize the house plants.
  • Divide drawn butter into four equal portions saying its been drawn and quartered.
  • Say "mule train" when ugly chicks walk in the door.
  • Offer relationship advice like "try stalking her." and "men want women who aren't afraid to cry"
  • Try to accept my sexy good looks as more of a blessing and less of a curse.
  • Claw my way up from the pit of despair, look around, say "this sucks." and go right back down.
  • Save a fortune on chicken my eating cheap, plentiful, meaty seagulls.
  • As joke, fill scuba tanks with helium.
  • Defend my opinions as though they were law - "obviously spiderman is the best super hero", and "gruyere sucks, get velveeta. it's the best cheese on earth."
  • Stare at people until they get mad and leave.
  • Instead of bringing wine to parties, always bring fluffy birthday cake from the supermarket.
  • Entertain with amusing anecdotes.
  • Always say "may I speak freely" to avoid certain court martial.
  • Make soap out of liposuction fat, just like in fight club.
  • Use my viking heritage to justify rape and plunder.
  • Approach strangers saying "come with me if you want to live." - kill them if they don't.
  • Never believe anything, saying "you're just blowing smoke up my ass", or "you're yanking my crank" or "you're so full of shit your eyes are brown"
  • Put the new diapers on without taking the old ones off. .
  • Plant jungle vines as house plants and swing through the apartment like an ape man.
  • Serve all beverages saying "It's fresh squeezed", especially coffee, water, and milk.
  • Train hogs to pull a sled.
  • Figure out wrestling.
  • Compliment the chef, saying "wonderful dinner. reminds me of when I was in the joint."
  • Augment my wardrobe with a giant magician's hat.
  • Substitute corn syrup with corn starch in all my recipes.
  • Pretend I have a vacation house I've never been to - send someone there.
  • Rig every door with a bucket of cold water.
  • Clip hummingbird's wings so I can enjoy them all year.
  • Read through a giant magnifying glass.
  • Use tapeworm to filter poisons from my body.
  • Tell old men they've got great asses.

I hope to make a good number of these into reality. Happy New Year!